The Vagina Monologues

John Stuart | The Vagina Monologues | YouTube

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Yet another self-proclaimed Christian church in America is putting on its own version of “The Vagina Monologues” later this month.

What’s that you say? You haven’t heard Plymouth Congregational Church in Portsmouth, New Hampshire is the latest to join this trend? They are kicking it into hipster mode because Pastor (and I use that term loosely) Paulo Franca wants to help his flock view “women’s bodies without shame.”

Seems like God had that figured out all by Himself, when He breathed life into the female half of the species and officially proclaimed her “good.” But what does that heteronormative, patriarchal Creator of ours know? So on with the show!

I may have been overly literal, though, when I said this pagan passion play has been celebrated in other churches before. I was actually speaking the rawest and saddest of truths. For even if this specific blasphemy hasn’t run roughshod over a denomination prior, there have been countless other departures from orthodoxy over the years that have led directly to this point.

And if you’re one of these fake churches, you’ve played a vital role in doing what the Red Coats, Kaisers, Nazis, Hirohito worshippers, and Soviets could not — dimming that shining city on a hill to a mere flicker. Give yourself a hand; you’ve earned it.

The church has normalized the sort of gutter dwelling that has made the very notion of fixed norms rife for charges of bigotry from all manner of self-stylized, fake Christians.

Wait, there are other fake churches out there that believe they deserve at least some of the credit for the ditch we’re in as well? Well, as a conservative I believe in meritocracy, not participation trophies. Therefore, we need a test to see who’s truly earned their reward in full.

How do you know if you’re a Hate America Heretic? Let me count the ways:

  • If you have bought into that whole “Never place a period where God has placed a comma" scam, your church has hosted the “Vagina Monologues.”
  • If you belong to a church that will spend Lent praying about global warming, you have hosted the “Vagina Monologues.”
  • If you belong to a church that believes the Ten Commandments on the courthouse lawn is unconstitutional, but the Rainbow flag looks awesome in your sanctuary, you have hosted the “Vagina Monologues.”
  • If you have spread fears about a conservative Christian theocracy but give Islam a pass on everything, you have hosted “The Vagina Monologues.”
  • If suing nuns is an acceptable cost of doing business when it comes to Obamacare, you have hosted “The Vagina Monologues.”
  • If your pastor is named Joel Osteen, you have hosted “The Vagina Monologues.”
  • If your sense of social justice has a big, bloody “It’s OK to kill innocent babies” asterisk, you have hosted “The Vagina Monologues.”
  • If you believe the government is the primary administrator of the Gospel, you have hosted “The Vagina Monologues.”
  • If you regularly take “Thou shalt not judge” out of context, yet still pepper your speech with vicious charges of fake racism and misogyny, you have hosted “The Vagina Monologues.”
  • If you fight harder for the redefinition of marriage and bathrooms than you do for the First Amendment, you have hosted “The Vagina Monologues.”

And so it is that actually hosting this stupid play may be one of the least offensive and heretical acts that the various branches of the American church have committed in recent years. The church has normalized the sort of gutter dwelling that has made the very notion of fixed norms rife for charges of bigotry from all manner of self-stylized, fake Christians.

Instead of understanding and devoting themselves to the greatest commandment that you must love the Lord with all your mind, heart, soul, and strength, we have let soft-headed and weak-hearted churchgoers choose “I don’t believe in a God who would …” humanism. As if your lack of belief, or what you choose to believe, does anything to change the reality of who God is or isn’t — you morally relative moron.

Plymouth Congregational Church in New Hampshire has roots that go all the way back to 1622. Churches like this produced the famed Black Robed Regiment of history. The men of the cloth who rose up and preached “No king but Jesus” to inspire the generation that pledged their lives, fortunes, and sacred honors for us to be free to now be this dangerously dumb.

Now the church is a flagship for what has happened to this nation in its 241 years of existence. Whereas once it no doubt once preached a gospel that provided the spirit and backbone for the American Revolution and the Emancipation Movement. It has now built a golden calf so big, that adding a play about vaginas to its list of offenses is little more than a new coat of varnish — all in a painstaking effort to keep its whitewashed tomb looking shiny and new.

This is the natural, soul-crushing destiny of mistaking East of Eden for paradise itself. If your reading of the Gospel results in a mission statement even remotely like Plymouth Congregational Church’s — “progressive and emerging church of children, youth and elders, families and singles, straight, gay and transgender, life-long Christians, interfaith couples, seekers and doubters” — sooner or later you have bought yourself a front-row, full-frontal ticket to “The Vagina Monologues.”

Or Hell, and sometimes it’s tough to tell the difference.


Steve Deace

Steve Deace is syndicated each weeknight by the Salem Radio Network, and is also the author of the new book A Nefarious Plot.

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