Donald Trump gives a thumbs up after a town hall meeting.

L. Todd Spencer | AP Photo

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Gird up your loins like a man. For I will question you, and you will answer me.

— Job 38:3

Where’s the late, great Leonard Nimoy when you really need him?

Beyond portraying Star Trek’s beloved Spock, Nimoy was also the host of another of my favorite shows when I was a kid — “In Search Of.” Each episode, Nimoy would host an attempt to solve some of the world’s great mysteries like the disappearances at Roanoke, the Loch Ness Monster, or the Bermuda Triangle.

However, before us now may be a nut even Nimoy wouldn’t be able to crack. Where, oh where, are Donald Trump’s manly parts?

No one has seen them. There are no solid leads. Every jar in the 202 and 212 area codes has been inspected, and they’re not there. There are rumors that Trump was really being wire-tapped in an attempt to find out where he lost them, but that cannot be confirmed or denied.

We’re barely halfway through the first 100 days, and already Trump has backed down on the following:

  • He’s not going to arrest “crooked Hillary” and “locker her up” after all.
  • He’s not going to repeal Obama’s unconstitutional (see that as illegal) executive amnesty (DACA) after all.
  • After saying throughout the campaign it was weak and dumb to show your plans and give a heads up to your enemies, his new (and watered down) immigration executive order gives jihadists a 10-day warning before being implemented.
  • He’s siding with weak House GOP leadership in not repealing Obamacare as promised, and instead replacing it with something that could even be worse.
  • His RNC leadership team looks like a Who’s Who of the establishment, including the name Henry Barbour. The man who orchestrated one of the worst betrayals ever of the grassroots — the literal stealing of the 2014 Mississippi senate primary.
  • He still hasn’t lifted a finger to protect religious liberty. No repeal of the Johnson Amendment. No executive order. Not even a reference in his recent congressional speech to the Left’s attempt to destroy the lives of believers like Barronelle Stutzman.

Rest assured, Trump is not the first Washington politician to have lost his manly parts.

This has actually been a pandemic in our nation’s capitol for decades now, often attributed to Ruling Class Virus (maybe you’ve heard it referred to as “RCV” for short).

RCV is an airborne contagion that eventually infects every human host, if they stay within the radius of the Beltway for too long. One of the symptoms of RCV in men is known as mass shrinkage, when the manly parts become so microscopic it’s almost like they’re not even there at all. This explains why men within the Beltway can still urinate and otherwise biologically function properly, despite the forgoing of any testicular fortitude whatsoever.

Of course, since gender is just a social construct nowadays, this can now inclusively happen to women as well.

In the past, RCV wasn’t typically known to manifest itself until the host was re-elected, but in recent years, the virus has mutated to become more aggressive. Often hosts can be overcome by RCV within even a single news cycle once touching down at Reagan National or Dulles. Prompting those living outside the Beltway to propose a mass fumigation, sometimes referred to as “term limits,” in an effort to confront RCV once and for all. Others hoped the election of an alleged outsider like Trump to the highest office in the land could provide an even quicker antidote.

Let us pray someone close to Trump is capable of just such an intervention, because it won’t just be his manly parts that are lost if this continues.

It now appears those hopes have been dashed, unless Trump can heal thyself. For there are only three known cures for RCV at this time: relocation outside the Beltway, radical spiritual transformation sourced from a church outside the Beltway, or a persistent reassertion of one’s manly parts.

The latter requires the one infected to insistently behave as if his manly parts are still there. This is documented to trigger the gland that secretes the controversial B.A.L.L.S. hormone, which stands for Brain Adding Loin Length Swiftly.

However, infected hosts seldom are able to commit to this treatment unilaterally, but instead require inspiration. Usually from a member of the opposite sex or confronting from those closest to him, who are able to make him aware of just how much of a gelding he’s become.

Let us pray someone close to Trump is capable of just such an intervention, because it won’t just be his manly parts that are lost if this continues.

Steve Deace

Steve Deace is broadcast nationally each weeknight on CRTV. He is the author of the book A Nefarious Plot.

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