Biden vs. Trump: Not the fight we need but the fight we deserve

· March 23, 2018  
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Joe Biden
Alexander Pohl/NurPhoto | Getty Images

I’m totally in.

There’s that scene in the movie “Prince Caspian” where King Peter volunteers to fight the usurping bad guy to the death, rather than have their armies keep warring with each other.

It was Thunder Dome before Thunder Dome. And it could be our only hope to make America great again.

I’m talking Trump vs. Biden, of course. And before we get to an actual race for president in 2020 that forces us to take sides between two septuagenarians who thrive on creeping out women , and while we’re racing into the mouth of socialism through the omnibus that Trump is unlikely to veto, I think we owe it to reason, science, and all that is good and holy to promote the idea of some sweet playground justice saving us from the political abyss.

Bring on Michael Buffer: Let’s get ready to rumble!!!!!!

In this corner is former Vice President Biden, who, back in 2008, had such a God complex that he asked a man in a wheelchair to rise to his feet and said last Tuesday that “If we were in high school, I’d take [Trump] behind the gym and beat the hell out of him.”

Pay no mind to the fact it was just last month that Biden said Congress had a “moral obligation” to thwart gun violence following murders that took place in a Florida high school. But violence in general? Apparently that’s what Biden thinks high school is for! Here he comes, folks, snapping his fingers like he’s got the lead in West Side Story: “When you’re a Jet, you’re a Jet all the way, from your first cigarette to your last dyin’ day.”

And in the other corner we have President Trump himself, who responded to Biden’s bravado with a vintage pre-dawn Twitter flare, saying, “Crazy Joe Biden is trying to act like a tough guy. Actually, he is weak, both mentally and physically, and yet he threatens me, for the second time, with physical assault. He doesn’t know me, but he would go down fast and hard, crying all the way. Don’t threaten people Joe!”

Now, some people might say it is also weak mentally and physically to let Republicans in Congress fully fund baby-killers, fully fund sanctuary cities, endorse gun control, forget about building a wall, and blow a hole in the deficit while you can’t find the strength to brandish your veto pen, but those punks would go down fast and hard, too, I promise you! Cuckadoodledoo!

Man, this fight is going to be so lit, it’s going to make the hype surrounding Mayweather/McGregor look as canceled as Joy Reid’s television show.

But what else would you expect from a tussle featuring two men who combined for nine different Vietnam War draft deferments for such badass reasons as asthma and bone spurs. I mean, if you’re Trump and you’re already fighting the clap here at home (your “personal Vietnam”), you ain’t got time for fighting the measly Vietcong abroad.

Biden will enter the ring bearing a Barack Obama tramp-stamp tattoo, while Pink’s “Raise Your Glass” boils his already insane progressive fans into a rabid froth: Party crasher, pantie snatcher, call me up if you are gangster, don’t be fancy, just get dancey, why so serious? So raise your glass if you are wrong in all the right ways!

Trump will enter with a tattoo of himself on his chest, as Peter Gabriel’s “Sledgehammer” reminds his mob of the little electoral agreement they made with each other back in 2016: All you do is call me, I’ll be anything you need. You could have a big dipper, going up and down, all around the bends. You could have a bumper car, bumping, this amusement never ends. I want to be your sledgehammer, why don’t you call my name?

Yes, it’s hilariously tragic. And I’d take it in a minute, rather than pretending these two debating one another about the future of America is a remotely serious undertaking.

But who would win such a clash of the titans? Jihadist recruiters.

Just imagine their sales pitch: “Come and see how weak the great Satan has become with these old girly men and their flop sweat. Allah has delivered them into our grasp!”

Indeed he has.


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Author: Steve Deace

Steve Deace is broadcast nationally each weeknight on CRTV. He is the author of the book “A Nefarious Plot.”