Shutdown apocalypse

· January 22, 2018  
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Begin transmission … Not sure how much longer I can keep this thing on … but it’s important you know what happened here … I kept a running diary of our final few days … it all started with the Trump tax cuts, and just as we were coming to in the barren wasteland that resulted (can you believe state-run media actually called the 20,000 casualties at Apple “new jobs”), we are now threatened by a new menace, even more threatening and ruinous. Something inconceivable — life without an omnipresent federal gubmint.

Day one of shutdown … Hunkering down, hoping for the best but expecting the worst … already worried about running low on ammo (I meant arrows, guns are bad, remember) and perishables … had to run to the airport to raid vendo-land for rations … also ran into some slick spots from melting snow my local gubmint agent wasn’t there to clear, but disaster averted miraculously on my own … local TSA agent at airport was still there to have me turn and cough, and he let me know my prostate checked out, too … now patiently waiting for the Emergency Broadcast System to warn me of impending doom, assuming of course the gubmint doesn’t have to turn that off, too … I hope not … Without gubmint, I have no internal survival instinct, let alone a sense of direction, so I’m not sure what I will do … gotta go now … don’t want to waste generator power, and there’s a Morgan Fairchild marathon on Lifetime … stay tuned.

Shutdown day two … Thankfully power is still on … water tastes funny, but that could be the water softener is broken or all those Tide pods I’ve ingested. However, without gubmint to tell me, I can’t possibly know for sure. A lot of wild rumors right now about what’s happening topside. Not sure what to believe … my friend Rick promises to protect us, and Darrell and Merle (if you can put up with his Neanderthal attitude) are both good with a crossbow … our lookout says he saw those stupid Christians still going to church this morning regardless. Where was their God when they were shutting down the gubmint? Yet another tragedy where their God is silent … We’re trying to provide shelter to as many laid-off bureaucrats as possible, but we can’t save them all … won’t turn on state-approved media (Fox) because I know they won’t show us just how truly brutal it is out there … whatever state-approved higher power you pray to, please ask it to end this soon. We’re chanting now … stay tuned.

Shutdown day three … Was awakened way too early this morning to sounds of cars starting and people pouring out of their houses … must’ve been at least 8 am, maybe even earlier … no human being is up that early unless they are in a panic or looking to score a dime bag waiting for the gubmint check to arrive … I was so startled I knocked over my half-drunk can of Code Red from my stash in the storage area … my mom yelled downstairs it’s probably just people going to some place called a “job” and it’s nothing to worry about, but down here in her basement, err, I mean our bunker, we know a panic when we hear one … besides, how could these people have work without the gubmint … trying to calm our nerves with some medicinal marijuana … what if cat was spelled d-o-g? Stay tuned.

Shutdown day four … This will be my final transmission … our group has splintered, and now I’m crushed … after I ran out of weed, several decided to brave the outside world to go home … others will only stay here as long as I have Cheetos … my mom has been outside several times, but when I try to get her to give me an update on what she saw, she just rolls her eyes and tells me I need a life … what do you expect from someone who watches Fox News … our video game console blew up as well, and now we are in complete panic mode … low on weed and Cheetos, no gaming, and I haven’t watched Joy Reid in days … if my gubmint disability check doesn’t get here soon, we are done … goodbye cruel world … and I still blame George W. Bush!

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Author: Steve Deace

Steve Deace is broadcast nationally each weeknight on CRTV. He is the author of the book “A Nefarious Plot.”