President Joe Biden is a "devout Catholic."

I know this because his protectors keep urging me to digest it in a Christopher Guest "Spinal Tap" "ours goes up to 11" kind of way. Like it's obvious, but only if you see it in dim lighting from the right angle and free your mind of all reality and common sense that clearly indicate otherwise.

Then, and only then, will you appreciate this age of true holy enlightenment that we are now entering. I mean, on day one of Biden's reign as only the second Catholic American president in this nation's history, we got through executive order increased funding for global baby-killing, more money for the baby-killers at Planned Parenthood, obsession with pronouns, the added ferocity of men who feel pretty in the military, a mentally ill "health expert," and the gender-bending out of existence of both women's bathrooms and their sports teams.

Rejoice! Make crooked as hell his path!

But lest you sense even a whiff of cynicism from me about this, let me provide you with even more evidence of Biden's fidelity to the cosmic truths of the universe. Maybe evidence isn't the right word for it, though. Too temporal. Too worldly. I'm talking astral plane, parting-of-the-seas kind of stuff.

Because you're never really sure quite how to explain the divine and the angelic to people, I'll just get right to it: Biden's very inauguration changed the definition and application of science before he had even made the trip from the Capitol to the White House. Thank God Al Michaels is still alive to reset "Do you believe in miracles?"

I mean, one day you have PCR testing that measures COVID at a rate where apocalypse is around every corner, and the next day — Inauguration Day — the World Health Organization says nah. Let's go in a different direction and require increased viral levels, multiple tests, and clinical diagnosis before anyone can say their loved one died from the virus after a hang-gliding accident.

Since I know that you are blinded by the light right now, let me help you understand the power and the glory before you. People will be healed from the pox before us and Karen will fear no more because, get this, they will simply be told they were never really sick to begin with. Poof! Now that's how you solve a pandemic in a pinch. Come, touch the hem of Biden's garment. Let the lepers be cleansed, and dry every tear from your eye.

This can't be mere coincidence. God is at work here. Where can this evangelical get some rosary beads and a statue of Mary?

I know G.K. Chesterton said, "We shall soon be in a world in which a man may be howled down for saying that two and two make four, in which people will persecute the heresy of calling a triangle a three-sided figure, and hang a man for maddening a mob with the news that grass is green," but I don't get that at all.

The chaos has never been more clear. The hate has never been more loving. The depraved has never been more decent.

Let all the angels blow their trumpets. "Devout Catholicism" be praised.