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I went on two dates with a man, months apart, so they were really like two first dates. In between, we texted throughout, and I actively stalked his social media while fantasizing about a whole life with him because he’s so interesting and similar to me. The second date lasted an entire afternoon and evening, at the end of which we went our separate ways. It has been a month since then, with no follow-up. We’re both adults, so I feel childish for wasting so much time and energy daydreaming about him. How do I get over someone who does not want the same things or share the same values as me but with whom I have so much in common?

First of all, I commend you for recognizing that, although you felt a connection with someone, you did not delude yourself into imagining shared values and life plans where there were none. This is possibly the most common dating pitfall for women who find themselves in dead-end relationships, so congratulate yourself on having avoided a situation that would ultimately have been a far bigger waste of time and emotional investment than the brief period of limerence than you already experienced.

Second of all, as a general rule, you should be wary of marathon dates when initially getting to know someone. A marathon date involves spending an inordinately lengthy and uninterrupted amount of time together, which creates an atmosphere of pseudo-intimacy that may lead you to believe that you have come to know a person exceptionally well. This can result in a false sense of having established a deep connection with someone before you may have had a chance to evaluate whether you share similar values and life goals. It is advisable to make sure you are at least aligned on core values and future plans before becoming emotionally invested in a person. Always look before leaping, or you might find yourself in a romantic ravine like you are now.

Finally, to get over this person, you must follow Circe’s tried-and-true method of getting over relentless heartache, which I have covered in a previous column. This method is guaranteed to work, but you must use it very sparingly, or you will quickly become jaded. The best cure is always prevention.

When attending a party at someone’s house, is it better to be punctual or politely late, and what is the best thing to bring?

When it comes to party etiquette, context is king. The size of the event, its nature, the city in which it takes place, and the host’s cultural background all play a role in determining expectations.

The order of operations for determining an arrival time is as follows: First, what is the host’s ethnic background, and second, in what city does the party take place? If the host is German, you should arrive on time and possibly even a few minutes early to any event. If the host is Slavic, consider giving the host an extra 15 minutes if it is a dinner party and an extra 30 to 60 minutes if it is a large party.

Expectations of punctuality also vary from city to city. If you are attending a Miami dinner, 15 minutes late is on time, and if it is a larger event, one to two hours late is still acceptable. However, if you are forced to attend a dinner in San Francisco for some inexplicable reason, plan to arrive on time. Large parties in San Francisco don’t exist, so no etiquette applies.

When deciding what to bring, you can never go wrong with a nice bottle of wine or, my personal preference, champagne for any event (unless, of course, it is a sober household). For a dinner party, a dessert is also an appropriate option — one can never have enough dessert. If you have the misfortune of attending a dinner party at a sugar-free household, charcuterie or cheese are other alternatives. If, however, the household is vegan on top of being sugar-free, politely decline the invitation and consider distancing yourself from the host. Some people are simply beyond saving.

I am a charming, funny, decently handsome, well-employed, intelligent, and sociable man. I've had a string of long-term relationships that have failed, mostly due to my unique blend of issues, but now I’m also getting to an age where it might make sense to settle down. I want kids (at least I think I do), and I want a loving partner to help build a life together.

How do I convince myself that marriage and kids are right for me even though there are so many wonderful women to choose from, and as I've gotten older, my pool seems to have mostly increased? Is it because I haven't found 'the one'? Am I just too immature to understand commitment? Am I simply not cut out for monogamy? I’m not sure what the answer is, but I would love to hear your wisdom.

Despite its many negative contributions to the dating discourse, one thing that the show "Sex and the City" got right was the taxi-cab theory. The theory posits that men are like taxi cabs: “They awake one day and decide they’re ready to settle down, have babies, whatever, and they turn their light on. The next woman they pick up, boom, is the one they'll marry. It's not fate, it's dumb luck.”

When it comes to men choosing to marry, timing is everything. Some men are internally motivated to settle down, whether it’s because they’ve met a woman they want to spend the rest of their life with or because they’ve reached some professional milestone and now feel ready to support a family financially. Others are externally motivated and more driven by mimetic desire than other considerations. Typically, these men settle down when they realize they are the last guy in their friend group without kids.

In your case, it sounds like your light hasn’t turned on yet, because, whether internal or external, you’re not adequately feeling the pressures that would force you to choose. I suspect that when your hairline begins to creep northward at an alarming rate, or you’re no longer invited to friends’ barbecues because you’re the last bachelor standing (whichever comes first), that light will come on like a siren. Until then, try to avoid making too many women pay the price for your nonchalance.

What is a lucrative career path for a 27-year-old guy with good soft skills but not great at STEM?

The good news is that there are lucrative career options for people with excellent soft skills, but the bad news is, they are most readily found within STEM-related industries.

As a general rule, high-paying industries tend to pay well across the board, so you’ll want to look at sectors such as finance, tech, and health care. Most of the career paths in these industries are highly technical, but some essential roles specifically require soft skills that, to be frank, people in technical roles often lack.

If you have stellar interpersonal skills and can grasp the basics of the industry you enter, roles like sales or investor relations will generally command a high salary. But if you have no talent for anything other than manipulation, human resources could be a great fit.

What is the solution to the pain of modern life?

As an ancient goddess who has witnessed millennia of human struggles, I have it on good authority that one of the unique pains of modern life is atomization. Family formation is in decline, adult friendships are becoming scant, and civic life is practically nonexistent.

And yet, human nature has hardly changed. Man has been and continues to be a social animal. You can live in the pod. You can eat the bugs. But you cannot forego real relationships, as tempting as a simulacrum of human interaction as AI companions and social media may seem.

You must leave your house, find friends, a community, and, ideally, a romantic relationship that leads to a family. If you don’t know where to start, find some social meetups in your area or join a sports league — and if you’re really desperate, you can always try your hand at pickleball.

Circe Says: Ancient wisdom for modern problems



Circe is an ancient Greek minor goddess who spends her days on X, chronicling the late-stage American empire and dispensing advice on life and love in the digital era. You can submit your advice questions to her directly at Circe @vocalcry.

Let's say you wanted to escape a cult. Let’s say the cult is academia, to keep things abstract. How would you do it?

When you consider that the number of people with freshly minted PhDs every year far exceeds the number of people who join the Church of Scientology, it is worth asking how academia continues to find young recruits willing to give away years of their productive lives to engage in esoteric rituals in near poverty and social isolation for a slim chance at life-of-the-mind transcendence.

The one quality that most cult members share is that they’re looking for an all-powerful mentor (or, in your case, a dissertation advisor) — a figurative daddy who will reward them when they’re good and scold them when they’re bad. Academics have this in spades. They’ve never developed an identity outside of being the teacher’s pet, and they struggle to make decisions without envisioning what grade they will get on their report card in life.

Leaving academia involves recognizing that you’re in a cult and learning to accept that there is no final report card. The only grade you’ll get in life is pass/fail, which will only be awarded to you by a higher power. If you can come to terms with this, you might have a chance at escape. And if you can’t, joining a tech startup is always an option.

I have read many 'red-pill' books to try to understand what men want. They all seem to be aimed at manipulating a woman’s desire for love to extract intimacy, only to lose interest in the woman afterward. I am losing hope about relationships and genuinely questioning why these men express that their version of true love is harems and cheating. Do any men truly love women? Is this really what love is about?

A healthy relationship with both parents and a normal adolescent romantic awakening: no “red-pill” guru had both. Like all ideologies constructed around a master narrative to explain the world, “red-pill” concepts are founded on a grain of truth and distorted to massive proportions to attract a target audience. In this sense, the “red pill” is no different from Marxism, radical feminism, or any other ideology that preys on minds desperate for clarity in a world that is full of complexity.

It is true that, on average, there are biological and psychological differences between men and women that require a theory of mind to appreciate fully and that being aware of these differences can help bridge the gap between the sexes, especially in the context of a relationship. The “red pill” organizes some of these differences into a seemingly coherent worldview that serves as a basis to justify the manipulation of women by men to often unsavory ends.

It is worth noting, however, that every single “red-pill” guru eventually repents and comes to the conclusion that a monogamous relationship with one woman is more fulfilling than living like a degenerate. Dan Bilzerian is only the most recent in a long line of “red-pill” prodigal sons — without exception, all of these men eventually reach the same conclusion.

It is also worth noting that the average well-socialized, well-adjusted man will never consume red-pill content, let alone create red-pill content. This latter pool of men is the one you should be fishing in when looking for love, which is a very real and wonderful thing. I cannot tell you where or when you will find your Prince Charming, but I can categorically tell you that he will not have internet brainworms.

Are you wasting a girl's time by continuing to date her if, after six months, you can't yet see a future involving marriage but otherwise have no good reason to break up? If so, how to best end things without sounding mean? If not, how long do you wait to see if marital visions develop?

The short answer is yes, and the long answer is also yes.

Most men know when they meet the woman they want to build a future with early on, usually much earlier than six months. If it hasn’t developed, it isn’t likely to develop with the passage of time. If you are looking for a wife (presumably, she’s looking for a husband), then not seeing a future involving marriage IS a good reason to break up. Not only is it a good reason, it’s the best reason.

Every day you spend with a person you don’t see a future with is a day you’re robbing from both of you [time] that can be spent either in search of a spouse or in the company of that spouse. It is never pleasant to end things, but be honest about not seeing a future even if you can only offer vague reasons as to why. A woman will be far less upset about being rejected after six months than about being strung along for years only to eventually break up anyway and hear that you married another woman that you met only six months ago.

Console yourself with the thought that 10 years from now, you’ll both be happily married to other people and that you’re taking a step today to ensure that future. And if the thought of ending up with other people instead of one other makes you sad and regretful, maybe it’s worth reconsidering and buying a ring. But please — no moissanite.

I have a raging desire to set my boss on fire, and I’m exhausted by this and want it to end. How do I get over my desire to set my boss on fire?

Buy a ticket to Burning Man and superimpose your boss’s face onto the burning effigy with the Apple Vision Pro. Or you can just find a new job.

Circe, how do I get over relentless heartbreak?

Barthes and Stendhal exhausted many words on this very dilemma to no avail, but as a 1000+-year-old goddess (though who’s counting), I’ve had centuries to test out various theories (turning your beloved’s object of affection into a sea monster does NOT work), and I’m here to offer practical solutions.

First, give yourself a predetermined period to grieve. Watch sad movies, vent to anyone who will listen, read "The Sorrows of Young Werther" — whatever makes all of those melancholy feelings bubble to the surface. Don’t bury ... them; tragedy cleanses the soul. But you MUST be disciplined about the cut-off time for this period.

Second, do not have any contact with this person. Hide any and all evidence of their existence. Do not stalk their social media. Do not ask your friends about them. For all intents and purposes, you must disappear them from your life.

Third, make a list of everything you dislike about them, even if it’s totally ridiculous minutiae — their shoes, their eyebrows, anything that inspires even mild distaste. Anytime you reminisce about them, read the list. Read it again. Then eat a cookie. This is no longer the time for philosophical musings. You must not be above subjecting yourself to operant conditioning.

Fourth, find a way to distract yourself with something that gives you purpose: work, friends, hobbies, etc. Getting in shape never hurts. Keep busy in a way that feels productive.

If you follow this plan without cheating, you are guaranteed to feel better in about six months. Trust me, if I can get over Glaucus, you can get over anyone.