“Every facet of the coffee industry, in fact, is rooted in racism. From the moment the whites viciously stole coffee from black and brown people to the present-day Karen sipping her morning cup of white supremacy, whites have been able to drink the fruits of our labor and our culture with impunity.”

What you just read is an actual quote from an article published in 2023 — back when literally everything was labeled racist by the woke mafia.

In this throwback Allie Beth Stuckey piece, we remember some of the most ridiculous things the critical race theory-obsessed left has used to label white people racists over the years. And sadly, coffee isn’t even close to the most absurd one on the list.

Picnics

A 2020 article from the Philadelphia Inquirer posited that “picnics” were racist because there was once a time when “Southern white people made lynchings a regular occurrence at picnics.”

If you are going to continue using the word “picnic,” then you need to make sure “that history is being talked about,” author Elizabeth Wellington wrote.

“That's not what people think of when they're thinking of going out to a park, laying a blanket down, and eating some sandwiches,” scoffed Allie.

Brain pairings (like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches)

Speaking of sandwiches, PB&Js are apparently the perfect metaphor for “implicit bias” against black males in America, according to a video released by the New York Times in 2016.

Social psychologist and management professor at the New York University Stern School of Business Dolly Chugh argued, “I somehow know that if you say peanut butter, I’m gonna say jelly. That’s an association that’s been ingrained in me. ... In many forms of media, there’s an overrepresentation of black men and violent crime being paired together.”

Dairy

In 2022, a KFF Health News article reported that 28 civil rights and child advocacy groups — including one led by Al Sharpton — sent a letter to the USDA accusing the National School Lunch Program of "dietary racism."

Their reasoning? Offering only cow’s milk, ignoring non-dairy alternatives, was racist because children of color apparently have higher rates of lactose intolerance.

Bicycling

A 2021 article from the Washington Post argued that American cycling is racist because a really long time ago, black people were excluded from bicycling clubs.

And then, of course, there’s the issue of racist white cops. “For black Southerners, the cost, dangers and white policing of cycling mobility combined with the weakening of its middle‑class status, meant that the popularity of the bicycle declined within the black community,” author Nathan Cardon wrote.

Equestrianism

If a piece of equipment doesn’t fit you properly, the designers are obviously racist against you. At least that’s the position the New York Times took in a front-page article from 2023 titled “Black equestrians want to be safe. But they can’t find helmets.”

In it, author McKenna Oxenden condemned racist manufacturers of equestrian equipment for not making helmets that accommodate certain black hairstyles, like dreadlocks.

“Is a helmet going to be safe if it's like six inches off of your skull? No, it's not. I don't think it has anything to do with you being black,” Allie retorted.

Recreational running

In 2020, Medium published an article titled “Running is too white. It doesn’t need to be,” in which author Ryan Fan complained that America’s recreational running community is “too white.”

There was only one possible explanation for that, said Fan: systemic inaccessibility and exclusion. All those white runners just make people of color feel unsafe and unwelcome.

“We can do better. We have to,” he pleaded.

“Agree. I don’t like running, so running is too white. And it is because I am an ally that I choose not to,” Allie joked.

National parks

In 2020, ABC published a melodramatic article titled “America’s national parks face existential crisis over race.” In it, authors Stephanie Ebbs and Devin Dwyer reported that national park visitors were “overwhelmingly white” — 77% compared to 23% of non-whites.

The piece quoted then-Associate Director of the Sierra Club Joel Pannell, who fretted that this racial disparity in park visitors spelled doom for the country’s national parks (many of which have been going strong for over a century).

“If we don’t address this ... then we’re going to risk losing everything,” he lamented.

“Not enough black people are going outside, so that’s the problem,” Allie mocked.

STD names

In 2022, NPR published an article titled “Critics say ‘monkeypox’ is a racist name. But it’s not going away anytime soon.” In the piece, author Bill Chappell quoted several critics upset about the name monkeypox, as it apparently stigmatizes the black and LGBTQ+ communities.

“There is a long history of referring to blacks as monkeys. Therefore, ‘monkeypox’ is racist and stigmatizes black people,” said global health advocate Ifeanyi Nsofor, ignoring the fact that the virus’ name was coined after it was originally discovered in lab monkeys in 1958.

Energy

Yes, energy — the stuff that powers the world — is “inherently racist,” suggested a 2022 article from Utility Dive.

Author Robert Walton reported that environmental justice advocates were up in arms because the U.S. energy sector is supposedly structurally racist due to historical policies like redlining and discriminatory infrastructure, which have disproportionately burdened low-income and communities of color with high costs and pollution.

Highways

In 2021, the Washington Times published a piece titled “When highways are racist,” in which author Cheryl Chumley lambasted Biden’s Department of Transportation for weaponizing civil rights laws to block a Houston highway project under the absurd pretext that infrastructure can be racist.

Ballet

A 2021 article from Marie Claire bemoaned the art of ballet as structurally white supremacist. Author Chloe Angyal argued that ballet — its aesthetics, history, and culture — is inherently racist because it reinforces a narrow, European ideal that marginalizes dancers of color.

“Ballet is not just white. It is white on purpose,” Angyal complained.

“There's just not enough black people going up on their tiptoes,” Allie jeered.

Camping

Pitching a tent and roasting some marshmallows under the stars isn’t as innocent as it sounds, said Fast Company writer Elizabath Segran in a 2021 article called “The unbearable whiteness of camping.”

The monopoly white people apparently have on the outdoors all goes back to our colonial roots when colonizers took Indigenous land and turned it into “wilderness” for white recreation, she argued. Those mean ol’ white settlers romanticized themselves as “pioneers” while condemning Native people as “savages” for living out in nature, only to turn around and make nature an element of white culture.

Fast-forward a few hundred years and that same stigma still keeps non-whites from venturing outdoors. Patagonia jackets are too expensive; REI ads are too pale; and black people are apparently disproportionally targeted when they brave the elements.

Philosophy

Much of the genius that came from some of the greatest thinkers of the Enlightenment and German Idealist philosophy has bias baked into it, argued Aeon writer Avram Alpert in a 2021 piece titled “Philosophy’s systemic racism.” Ideas from the likes of Jean-Jacques Rousseau and Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel must be “decolonized,” meaning we must expose how their core logic secretly ranks non-Europeans as irrational “savages” who need white reason to evolve, then flip the script to affirm that people of color already have their own internal progress — no European “uplift” required.

Organized pantries

Those little spice jars with the labels and the matching containers for your pasta and rice? Yeah well, they’re racist, said Associate Professor of Marketing at Loyola University Jenna Drenten.

Dubbing the trend of having aesthetically pleasing cupboards “pantry porn,” Drenten wrote, “Cleanliness has historically been used as a cultural gatekeeping mechanism to reinforce status distinctions based on a vague understanding of ‘niceness’: nice people, with nice yards, in nice houses, make for nice neighbors. What lies beneath the surface of this anti-messiness, pro-niceness stance is a history of classist, racist, and sexist social structures.”

“So you hear that black people? This professor doesn't think that you can organize your pantry; you need to make it messy in order to really be pro-black and anti-racist,” laughed Allie.

This throwback to the peak-woke era — when coffee was cultural theft and PB&J pairings were microaggressions — proves one thing: The fever has broken, but the receipts still make us laugh.

Want more from Allie Beth Stuckey?

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